How Dare I Want Invisibility
And I find myself thinking, as I often do after embracing something that encourages self reflection, that it’s important that I remember where I am from.
And yes, I admit, I’m from a world that many would envy. Even though, mostly, I don’t really associate it with colour, it’s important that, in the overall scheme of things, i see it as privileged. Because that’s what it was, I know that and I can’t and shouldn’t try to deny it.
I know that luck has been on my side more often than it probably should have been, because of my background, that’s also a fact and whilst it may not be something that I am particularly proud to share, it’s just what it is.
So when I think about people that don’t have a voice, who cannot be seen no matter what they say or do, I feel ashamed,
And I feel that shame because it reminds me of the times that I find myself wanting to give mine away, wanting to say, take it, I’ve had enough of using my voice, of being seen and of being heard. Enough of feeling the pain and anxiety of being challenged and pushed and maybe even targeted.
Yes, you heard that right, a white person born into a middle class world thinking that they are being targeted.
How ridiculous.
How arrogant.
How wrong.
But it’s the way I feel at times and the reason why I am sharing these words. Because often I want, I crave, invisibility. I just don’t want to be seen at all. I want to hide in the shadows and be completely forgotten.
But as these thoughts flow through my mind, especially today when I am contemplative, I feel the same old shame overwhelm me.
To have a voice, as I have.
To be seen, as I am
To know that people will listen to me, sometimes, when i choose to use my voice.
That is privilege.
Something that has not been earned. It’s not my right. It has been given to me because of what I look like, where I was born and the opportunities that these advantages have bought me.
And though at times I want to hide, to get away from the world and find some level of peace, there is a truth here that I need to face.
How dare I want to be invisible.
How dare I want to give away my voice, a voice that others may never have and that many choose to fight for.
How dare I feel that my troubles have any value, any real meaning, in our unfair and shameful world.
“How dare I” seems to be a statement of truth, words of honesty in a sea of lies and self justification where people genuinely believe that they have earned their wealth and lifestyle.
And in all honesty, how dare I not use the voice and the opportunities that I have been given to share things that matter, that have a value and importance, rather than wallow in words of privileged self pity.
